


I Will Take Your Pain And Put It On My Heart

by orphan_account



Series: At Last I See The Light [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alfredo and Trevor are twins and also Ryan's little brothers, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, FAHC, Fake AH Crew, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Protective Jeremy, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Torture, hurt ryan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:47:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24530107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ryan whined softly, his lip quivering slightly. In all the months Jeremy had known him, he had never heard Ryan beg, but now there was no other way to describe the way he spoke. “Jeremy. Please.”
Relationships: Jeremy Dooley/Ryan Haywood
Series: At Last I See The Light [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772794
Comments: 8
Kudos: 84





	I Will Take Your Pain And Put It On My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Tags explained more in the end note. 
> 
> This is part of a larger Jervinwood soulmate au that I will hopefully be posting more from in the future.  
> This takes place about 4-5 months after Jermey joins the crew and meets Ryan, and well before they meet Gavin.

_“When I count to three, I want you two to run as fast as you can back to the car and get out,” Ryan murmured quietly to the twins, his words barely audible over the rain of bullets coming down on their hiding place, the shouts of the cops on one side pinning them down and a rival crew that been after them for months on the other. But the room they were trapped in had a window in it. If the boys were quick enough, they just might be able to make it out. “I’ll take the fire and keep them off of you. Get to the safe house and call Jack to let her know what happened.”_

_“What about you?” Trevor asked, frowning at his brother as Ryan adjusted his minigun in preparation for his plan._

_“You can’t just expect us to leave you here,” Alfredo added, and Ryan gave them a sharp look which said they really didn’t have a choice in the matter. “Ryan…”_

_“Fredo,” Ryan repeated in the same voice, looking between the twins. “When I tell you to run, you run. Both of you. You get out of here and you get yourself to safety. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”_

_“What if you get caught?” Trevor asked, and Ryan sighed, gritting his teeth. They were running out of time to get out safely. There wasn’t time for questions._

_“You still run. You get back to the crew. And come back together to give them hell.”_

_Ryan didn’t wait for the two of them to argue any further, standing up and ready his gun to fire. “One, Two, Three!”_

_Ryan burst out the door drawing fire as Alfredo and Trevor ran towards the window. If it kept his brothers safe, he would rain as much hell as he needed._

* * *

_The cops were all mostly dead by now, and Ryan’s fire had become mostly focused on the rival crew. His minigun has long been ditched for better cover, but he was running low on bullets because they never expected this small heist to turn into such a big problem. If he could just cause an explosion, he might be able to escape, but the sticky bombs were long gone with the twins._

_They were surrounding him on all sides and it wouldn’t be long now…_

_Ryan poked his head over the side of his hiding spot, shooting into the nearest cluster, taking down a few more enemies but not nearly enough._

_He cursed quietly, ducking down to reload his gun. But when he turned, he just had time to see a face standing over him before something smacked him directly in the face._

* * *

_They didn’t have him really all that long. It took Fahc two days to track him down, and still in the end they showed up just a few minutes too late. Michael was blowing up the door when they heard Ryan scream._

* * *

_The thing about capturing the Vagabond is that there was really nothing you could do to get a reaction out of him. Well, get the reaction you wanted anyways. He might laugh at your attempts to scare him, or criticize your poor skills as you torture him. But there was seemingly nothing you could do or say that would cause him to react in fear, and you could only ever get occasional grunts of pain when he couldn’t stop them._

_But the Vagabond couldn’t be broken. No matter what you would try._

_Or so they said._

_There was one pain not even the Vagabond was immune to._

_It was a well-known fact that touching someone’s soulmark was forbidden. It was considered to be one of the worst forms of torture possible, and only the worst of the worst people would ever even consider the prospect._

_It was different, of course, for soulmates to touch each other’s marks. When the trust was built up, for soulmates touching marks could be a wonderful experience. But when done against a person’s will…_

_Ryan didn’t realize until too late what they meant when they said they had figured out a way to break the Vagabond. The idea had never even crossed his mind, but suddenly there was a hand wrapping around his wrist and pressing down against the mark that rested there._

_The pain that ripped through his body felt worse than anything he could ever imagine. It was as if his entire body had been set aflame, he felt sick to his stomach and lightheaded and all too much like he couldn’t breathe._

_It felt bad and wrong and every part of him was screaming to yank his hand away, but he couldn’t move. So he did the only thing he could._

_He screamed._

* * *

Jeremy couldn’t sleep.

Not because he was still coming down from a wave of fear after being kidnapped. He knew that he was safe as long as Ryan was pressed against his side.

It wasn’t from the pain of a few bruised ribs, or the other bruises and cuts that littered his body. That had been dulled by the medicine they gave him, and besides Jeremy was more than used to a little pain in this line of work.

No, Jeremy wasn’t sleeping because all of his attention was focused on his boyfriend beside him. It had taken far longer than normal for Ryan to finally fall asleep, his worry over Jeremy keeping him awake, like he was afraid if he looked away the lad would disappear again.

When Ryan finally did fall asleep, it wasn’t a restful one. His eyebrows were furrowed and his face looked distressed, but Jeremy was far too grateful he managed to get any sleep at all to wake him up.

And then he began to scream.

It only lasted a few seconds at most before Ryan was bolting upwards, his breathing heavy and eyes wide in panic as he looked around the room, although he stilled the moment Jeremy placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey hey, you’re okay Ryan, you’re safe,” Jeremy said softly, reaching out slowly to grab one of Ryan’s hands and bring it up to his chest, resting it over his heart. “See? I’m right here Ry, everything’s okay.”

“Jer-Jeremy?” Ryan croaked, squinting like he couldn’t quite believe who was in front of him. Jeremy nodded, rubbing circles on Ryan’s hand as he confirmed

“It’s me, Ry. It’s Jeremy. We’re in our room at the penthouse. We’re safe.”

“ _Jeremy.”_ This time his name came out closer to a whimper than a question, and it felt like someone had reached inside and squeezed Jeremy’s heart because he had never heard Ryan sound so scared and broken before. His whole body was starting to shake, and his hand was gripping so tight now to Jeremy’s shirt his knuckles were turning white.

“I’m right here, Rybread. Right here.” Jeremy sunk back against his pillow gently pulling Ryan along with him and maneuvering him until he was curled safely in Jeremy’s arms, head tucked under his chin and pressed against Jeremy’s chest, which caused angry protests from his bruised body, but the pain was worth it if it meant Ryan felt safe.

They stayed there in silence for several long moments, only the sound of Ryan’s uneven breathing to fill the room as Jeremy tried to figure out the best thing to do next (because he had never seen Ryan so panicked before, and the echo of his screaming was still ringing in his head), when suddenly Jeremy felt something tugging at his arm. Ryan it seemed had released the death grip on Jeremy’s shirt to grab onto his hand, pulling it closer to him, and it was only after Ryan started to pull his other arm free from where it was trapped between them that he started to understand what was happening.

“Ry, buddy, hey easy there, just wait a second,” Jeremy carefully pulled his hand away, reaching to cup Ryan’s face and turn it towards him so he could look at his boyfriend’s face. Although the panic from before was still there, so was the recognition and awareness that had been lacking before. Ryan’s eyes were full of unshed tears threatening to spill over. And he was more vulnerable than Jeremy had ever seen him look before. “I don’t think this is the right time, Ry. You’re too upset right now, it’s not the right state to make such a big decision like this.”

Ryan whined softly, his lip quivering slightly. In all the months Jeremy had known him, he had never heard Ryan beg, but now there was no other way to describe the way he spoke. “ _Jeremy. Please.”_

The idea of taking advantage of his boyfriend’s vulnerable state by touching his mark was enough to make Jeremy feel sick to his stomach, but the idea of saying no when Ryan sounded like that equally broke his heart. “Ryan I…”

Tears had slowly begun to make their way down Ryan’s face now, and that itself was enough to make the decision for Jeremy. If this was really what Ryan needed from him, then he could push aside his own feelings and at least test the waters.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” Jeremy said, and Ryan nodded, burying his face against Jeremy’s neck as he held out his arm, wrist facing up and the sleeve pushed back just enough that the top of a cowboy hat could be seen.

Jeremy breathed in slowly, pushing the sleeve back to reveal the mark in full. He had only ever seen it a handful of times since they met, as more often than not Ryan would keep his arms covered for reasons he had yet to fully explain. Two weeks ago when Jeremy had asked Ryan to touch his own marks the man had hesitated, and Jeremy was sure after all that it would still be months until they even got close to Ryan feeling comfortable for him to do the same, if they ever reached the point at all.

He didn’t mind either way so long as Ryan was happy, but still it happening so soon was the one thing Jeremy hadn’t prepared for. The feeling of Ryan touching his marks had quickly become one of Jeremy’s favorite things in the world, and the fear bubbling in his gut now was that he would ruin that feeling for Ryan forever if something went wrong.

Jeremy let out his breath, and with the same gentleness you would use with a newborn baby, he placed his fingers very lightly over Ryan’s mark.

Ryan inhaled sharply but didn’t move away, and after a few seconds Jeremy took a risk and pressed down a little more. Slowly he could feel the tension draining from Ryan’s body as his boyfriend relaxed against him, and as Jeremy moved to start rubbing small circles against his wrist, Ryan began to cry much harder than he had before. He never made a move to pull away from Jeremy, if anything he seemed to be trying to press impossibly closer to him, so Jeremy continued with his circles, and let silence fall between the two of them once more.

* * *

Eventually, Ryan stopped crying. How much time had passed Jeremy couldn’t say, but how long it was seemed to be enough for Ryan to finally calm down. It wasn’t until Ryan began to pull his arm away that Jeremy really noticed the change, but he let go willingly and followed Ryan as he rolled into his side, placing them face to face with each other.

For a moment a soft smile crossed Ryan’s face as he linked hands with Jeremy and their marks pressed against each other for the first time. Jeremy couldn’t help but mimic it, especially if it meant that Ryan had finally come back to himself after a horrible nightmare, and didn’t at all regret the choice he had made.

“Thank you, Jeremy,” Ryan whispered after a long moment of silence, his voice rough after all of the crying, but it still came out quiet so Jeremy only just heard him. “I-I know-I just- I shouldn’t have made you make that decision but I just needed-“

Ryan’s voice broke, and he turned his head away from Jeremy suddenly, tears prickling in his eyes once more as he thought about the nightmare, about the last time his mark had been touched, and the desperate need for reassurance that led him to beg Jeremy to touch his mark after months of avoiding the exact same thing.

He hated, _hated_ that he had put his boyfriend in a position where he had to worry about potentially ruining their bond, all because he had a stupid nightmare of something that happened over a year ago. And right after Jeremy had been kidnapped too.

“Ryan?” Jeremy said softly, drawing him back out of his thoughts and to the present, where Jeremy was watching him with a concerned look and a thousand questions on his lips.

“Sorry,” The response was automatic, but it only served to make Jeremy frown and squeeze Ryan’s hand tightly, saying firmly

“You don’t need to apologize for anything, Ry, okay? You were upset. I get it.”

“I just needed to know it was okay,” Ryan replied, and Jeremy squeezed his hand tighter in reassurance. “That I wasn’t-wasn’t back there. And it really was you here.”

Jeremy nodded sympathetically, letting go of Ryan’s hand so he could stroke his hair instead, a movement that always seemed to provide him comfort no matter how upset he was. “I know, Ry. You’re safe though. I’m right here.”

“I know,” Ryan said, leaning into Jeremy’s touch as his hands came up to rest against his chest once more, over his heart and the steady beating that reminded Ryan he was safe. “I know.”

It would have been so easy for Ryan to let himself fall back asleep under Jeremy’s comforting touch, move on from this moment like nothing had ever happened. Jeremy wouldn’t ask, of course he wouldn’t ask, because they all knew too well what it was like to have demons that came along with this life, and though Jeremy wasn’t there at the time even he knew about the weight Ryan had carried ever since that night. Even if no one knew the specifics, they all knew something had changed.

But Jeremy wouldn’t ask. None of them would because Ryan had made it clear he didn’t want to talk about what had happened, no matter how much they tried to convince him he should.

And it would be so easy for Ryan to just say nothing and let the moment pass by, but there was a voice (which sounded suspiciously like Jack) in the back of his head saying that wouldn’t it be better to tell someone and finally have it off his chest?

“Jeremy?” It wasn’t the first time tonight the word carried more weight than just a name, but just as he had before Jeremy understood in an instant what Ryan meant, and stilled his hands in their movement as he waited for him to speak. “Can I… I _want_ to tell you about what happened, but only if you’re okay with that.”

Of course, there was no need for Ryan to mention when he was talking about, because although Jeremy wasn’t part of the crew at the time even he knew about the two days Ryan had gone missing and came back a different person. Michael had mentioned it to him only once, to reassure Jeremy he was doing everything he could for Ryan by pointing out the ways he was starting to act like before ever since they met. There hasn’t been much detail but to be fair none of them really knew what had happened.

A small part of Jeremy whispered it would be easier to not know what had happened, because as long as he didn’t know he didn’t have to deal with any fallout. But the louder part of him screamed it was his duty as Ryan’s boyfriend and soulmate to listen to him, his own feelings he damned because whatever he felt was nowhere near whatever Ryan had faced.

“Of course, you can tell me, Ry.” Jeremy said softly, adding after a moment of thought: “Only if it’s something you want to talk about, though. I don’t want you to feel pressured if you’re not ready.”

“I’ll never be ready,” Ryan replied instantly. “But I need…”

“It’s okay, Ry. You don’t have to justify it to me, I understand.” Jeremy assured him, wrapping his arms tighter around Ryan to provide comfort, although to which one of them was up for debate. “Take your time. Whenever you’re ready, you can tell me as much or as little about what happened. Whatever you need.”

“I-“ Ryan started, and then immediately stopped, the words feeling like a lump in his throat now that he had finally got close to spitting them out. Despite the fact that it was his choice to tell Jeremy in the first place, he still wanted to prolong it as long as possible. He still felt sick and dirty every time the memory resurfaced, and despite the fact he knew Jeremy wouldn’t, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he would forever see Ryan as the same after. Certainly things would never be the same.

Jeremy reached a hand up to cup Ryan’s face gently, brushing away the tears that had started to fall, waiting patiently for him to find the ability to speak.

He wasn’t sure how long they sat like that in the silence, until suddenly out of the blue Ryan whispered “They touched my mark.”

The words hit Jeremy like a brick. Whatever he was expecting it wasn’t that, and even as his gut began to bubble with anger, his body froze in shock because who could ever do such a thing? No wonder Ryan had such horrible nightmares, to touch someone else’s mark…

The sound of Ryan softly sobbing was enough to break Jeremy out of his shock, retighten his grip on Ryan that had fallen slack, making fists around his shirt as he held him close, like he could protect him from all of the world.

“I’m so _sorry,_ Ry,” Jeremy breathed out, pushing down his emotions the best that he could because the last thing Ryan needed at the moment was for him to explode. He could have time later to rant about all the horrible things he wished to do to those people (if they weren’t already dead), but right now…

Right now he needed to hold Ryan close, wrap a leg over both of his so that he was fully protected, as much of Jeremy’s weight on top of him as he could stand, to keep him grounded and reassure him that whatever had happened, it wasn’t his fault and he was safe.

“You’re safe, Ry. I promise, you’re safe and no one is ever going to touch you again. Not unless they want to go through me first.”

Ryan let out something between a laugh and a sob, burying his face against Jeremy’s neck. For the first time in almost a year, he believed. For the first time in almost a year, he felt _safe._

**Author's Note:**

> In this soulmate au, everyone has a specific mark for their soulmate(s) on their wrist. These marks glow when you get near your soulmate, but are also considered a very private part of a person. It's forbidden/seen as the grossest breach of human decency to touch someone else mark (In this regard, think of them as similar to daemons in His Dark Materials). In this fic, Ryan discusses and has a nightmare about having his mark touched against his will.


End file.
